What a week I’ve had! I visited the ER for some pregnancy complications and have been feeling a bit under the weather. I had no idea how rough gestational diabetes (GD) could be– and I am ashamed honestly. Life happens, stress happens, and depression/anxiety can mutate our bodies and minds into something they are not. I embrace the positive growth and changes in my life, but not this.
I pretty much have been afflicted with every pregnancy discomfort and issue that there is. I have had two healthy pregnancies prior to this one– but they were almost seven years ago. Quite a bit can happen in seven years. I used to do it all, work, cook, clean, kids– and now I am having to step back and realize that I can’t fill all of these roles and that’s fine. Accepting it was the hardest.
I am deferring graduate school, working from home, and spending my kids’ lives at home with them. I think it’s acceptable to give in sometimes and to just enjoy life. We can afford for me to stay home with the kids, I think my health depends on it too. I plan on working from home and trying to get involved with some non-profits and government offices in the county I just did community research in.
I think you know you are doing it right when you have loving and compassionate kids. I used up all of my strength shielding them from a nasty divorce and our new found socioeconomic status of poverty. I have a great partner now and I can rejuvenate and rebuild my mind, body, and soul. Our society sure makes it easier for heteronormative couples to be economically sounds, does it not? Gee, I wonder why?
The other day I was in the ER with some bad pain, it was associated with the GD I am sure. I am recovering just fine for now. I don’t give glory to a “god” because I don’t believe, but I do give it to my fiancé– if it weren’t for him loving my kids and taking time with them I wouldn’t have time to heal and to rest. After I got out of the ER, I got a card from my daughter that she made in school. Also, my fiancé got me roses and had the kids sign a separate card:
It melted my heart! I love 6 year old handwriting, it cracks me up. I want to read all of it, and be there for them during their developing years. I don’t want to miss out on their younger years. I never thought I would want to stay home, but everything in this universe is drawing towards doing so.
I have to prick my finger four times a day now– blood sugar monitoring during pregnancy. One thing I don’t want is incessant anxiety associated with trying to keep up in a patriarchal workforce or competitive graduate school. I was told by my graduate coordinator– whom I respected, that my first semester includes me meeting my future mentors. My pregnancy status would apparently be what I’m “judged off of” when they initially meet me. Wow! I have never in my life lost faith in Sociology, but that professor just did it for me.
I did not defer due to his comments though. I deferred when I found out that my pregnancy is now a high risk status. There is a good chance I could end up on bedrest at the end of the pregnancy– that is not fair to other graduate candidates or professors, or me. The lack of funding did’t help either, but I am finding out through the grape vine that the department is possibly having funding issues. They had to make tough decisions in regards to grad applicants. I still think they assumed that my GI Bill would have paid for it– and it would have, but my decision has been made and I feel generally good about it.
Once again my life is redirecting me– but this time, I am going to relax and let it happen. I have two degrees (not the highest one I want yet) and I am marketable. I plan to work with grassroots organizations and help others even if it is part time or from home doing data dissemination. I am juggling life just like everyone else, only in my progressive mom-way!